Wedding preparations

I have been considering the issue of what sort of preparations would be useful by a couple before they get married. Not preparations concerning the material things, but rather preparations of the mind. It seems to me that there is a great risk of having false expectations concerning many of the things that come up during marriage which do not necessarily show up during courtship. Things like number and timing of children, what it means to be "financially secure", roles with regard to working on the domestic tasks around the house and many others. I am convinced that in many cases it is the presence of the failure to live up to expectations that results in strife, more than the actually effect of the actions. It is easy to get hurt (or angry) when expectations are not met. However, when the actual event is looked at critically, the actions weren't the problem - just the missed expectations.

Without careful and clear communication it is easy for each party in a couple to "assume" that the other person has the same point of view as they do - after all they are in love and lovers must think and feel the same. However, as we al know, once the bloom of "love" mellows a bit we are surprised to find out that the other person is a whole person on their own with their own slant on things.

I think it might be useful to find a way for couples to explore this a bit so that they are not taken by so much surprise once the reality of married life sinks in. I know that this is the topic of pre-marriage counseling, many book along the line of "before you say I do", etc. I have been checking out a few of these types of materials and find them interesting, but generally lacking. In some cases they are too directed toward religion. In other cases they have interesting topics, but no real mechanism to evolving into a meaning discussion. In some cases a third party is required. And in some cases they are just too general and not really helpful.

I saw one book that seemed to be on the right track. It included a series of "rate the topics" type of questions that a person does on their own and then the two get together to compare results. My guess is that this approach could help the couple identify areas of differences and could lead to good discussions on these topics. Maybe this type of approach would work. Something that is relatively easy to complete (not requiring a bunch of notes and writing of ideas) but pointed enough to show up either differences or differences of point of view that could then lead to discussions and interpersonal understanding. My thought is that something like this might cut down on the number of things that end up resulting in false expectations.

Trying to develop such a thing might be an interesting project. I will be interested to see if I end up having the enthusiasm or energy to actually tackle this project. I find that I often have "good ideas" that don't come to fruition. Then, sometimes they do. I am never quite sure ahead of time which ones will happen - so it has all become a bit of a mystery to me.